Lessons I Learned From Sitting On A Cactus

I have learned many lessons in my life about cactus, but one of the most painful ones ever learned came at a very inopportune time. Most lessons we learn in life are usually hurtful if some form or another, but the ones you seem to remember best are the ones that really hurt. Even though it seems totally funny now when I look back on it, at the time, I could have used some really serious pain meds.

I remember the day like it was just yesterday, and though the pain has been far removed, the lesson will stick with me forever. I was 18 years old, and it was the middle of deer hunting season in Montana. I was an assistant manager at one of the McDonald's Restaurants, and we had some really crazy work schedules, so we had to take advantage of the time that available to us. I was hunting with my roommates Gary Hilden and Terry Shoemaker, and we were out past the airport hunting down by the river.

 Now I loved to hunt down there, because the old guy that owned the property would always let us hunt there, and the game was very plentiful. There was only one problem with hunting down there, and that was you had to walk in. The rancher would let you hunt all day, but he didn't allow any type of vehicles on his property. You had to pull off the highway, and walk across a large section of flatland, then skirt down the rock ledges that led down to the river bottom where the trees and ponds and heavy brush were.It was about mid-afternoon when we got down there and started hunting, but we usually didn't worry too much about time, because we knew where the deer liked to hide. It wasn't very long before we had 3 nice fat bucks on the ground, cleaned and ready to haul out. Most of the trip out was pretty easy until you got up to where the rock outcroppings were, and then it was too rough to drag the deer, so you had to hoist them up on your shoulders to get them up the hill. Here-in lies the problem. It was starting to get a little dark and was harder to make your way up the hill. We were in pretty good shape so it wasn't too difficult, but it still tuckered us out enough that we needed to sit down for a spell to rest before continuing our journey to the truck. Another compounding factor to my problem was I didn't have a flashlight with me. So instead of thinking before acting, and putting the deer down on the ground first, I figured it would be just as easy to sit down, lean back, and put the deer on the ground. SURPRISE!!! A **full Of Needles!!

I don't think I have ever gotten up so fast. Low and behold, I had sat right in the middle of a cactus plant. My ** immediately felt like it was on fire, and there was no way I was going to be able to sit down to rest, so I just picked up my deer and slowly and very painfully made my way up to the truck. After one hell of a good ribbing by my friends, and after they quit laughing like a couple of hyenas, I threw them the keys, got in the back of the truck bed, and we headed back to town. They finally agreed, after much chuckling and snorting, to take the deer to the garage and hang them up to cure before we had them butchered. I made my way up to my apartment, telling myself I would never look at a pin cushion the same way again, and called my fiance to tell her what had happened. Now for round 2 of the fun making and hilarity. I thought she was going to pee herself she was laughing so hard, which was bad enough. But she was doing it while I was laying on the bed with my bare ass in the air while she was attempting to pull the needles out (or what was left of them) with a pair of tweezers. The act of removing them was damn near as painful as it was getting them in there in the first place.Yep, I was the center of a lot of ribbing and joking for quite a while, but it just helped cement the lesson into this thick head of mine. A lesson I will never forget. 

It's bad enough that you have to learn one lesson in such a painful way, but the second lesson I learned was from the same day, and was more like an accomplice. If i would have had a flashlight with me that night, I probably would have had the inclination to actually look at the spot I was going to sit down on, and thus spotted the ** little bunch of cactus that so pointedly pierced my hiney.